When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
There always is a first time. Each time he does that to me, it feels like the first time. =) Each time he twists my thorny words around to poke and scratch me, that is. Few have done it with such natural grace and blithe, yet hammer the point across my two-inch thick numb skull like mean-looking nails.
I believe I've been through this all before. Others have shared with me how they felt after receiving blows of tactless words from me or otherwise. Simply by listening to friends relating stories of how so and so hurt them blindly with intended/unintended words of anger, I understood. I understood, but not understand to the degree I just have. Few have underscored and highlighted my very possibly offensive mannerisms and big-time turn-off tones like he did. He made me realize I can really be a brat princess at times.
Using words from his profession for a really fortunate and charming lady a while ago, "[He] makes me understand".
I understand that certain things I do or do not do, even though I think them perfectly alright (at least to me), can hurt him and/or other people around me more than I ever thought possible; I understand that my words can be tactless or even caustic sometimes, and such outbursts of blatant insensitivity and inconsideration can potentially spoil the day for someone else.
I plead guilty and I resolve to better myself, for him, for me, and for everyone else.
I am rather surprised by myself. As to whether I can extrapolate it one step further and say for sure whether I'm pleased by it all, I really do not know.
Last night was a suffocating haze of poignant happiness and content, as well as overwhelming fatigue, nauseating anxiety and extreme paranoia. I was pondering over the notion of blogging down my intense thoughts and feelings in those moments of darkness and despair, deliberating whether or not to let him know that I felt like running away and not letting him know that I was troubled.
I guess I spent too much time deciding and undeciding, and hence ended up not letting him know about my desire to dart away suddenly like a streamlined fish in a still pond. Whoosh, I did not. =)
I cleared some of my doubts and confusion this morning, though I still feel ever so slightly nauseous with inexplicable trepidation and fear. It's as though there's this convection current of unctuous fluid within me, causing waves of queasiness and discomfort to circulate all over my body. I still see bright specks of light clouding my vision every now and then. Not so much now, but last night it was like a mini disco light display, totally cosmic and psychedelic.
Like I said before, I'm surprised by myself. I actually let him know how I felt. It might not be through the best means that I let him know, but I did. I won't have carried across my message any other way. I would stutter and stammer and try to push everything to the back of my mind and forget about it, simply because it requires too much effort and takes too much outta me to explain certain things to him.
